Fortitude
by xXtheDeadGodXx
Summary: "Shinji...I know its hard, this life is not a easy one." Shinji's angst seems endless, but hes proven even through his depression and fear hes capable of acts of strength. Maya x Shinji. Rated M for a dark tone and possible future chapters
1. Warmth

Pov: First, Shinji

Disclaimers are stupid~

Enjoy the story- DeadGod

* * *

I sit, eyes closed, perfectly still. Sometimes when im in the Eva i can swear im ever so slightly floating. Sometimes when I close my eyes and cast aside all thought I feel...comfortable. Like when i listen to my music, I can shut out this cruel world full of angles and Evas...and my father. The sharp swish sound of the user interface pulls me back to this world like a cat and a mouse. I open my eyes to its soft yellow-orange light in the otherwise dark plug. It cascades shadows across my hands and the controls. One of the control operators tells me my sync test is finished in his monotone voice, as I feel the plug dislocate its from the test Eva im bombarded with several more UI dissecting my progress through numerous carts and graphs. Another stark reminder that im still here, that im still a pilot, that i still have to fight. The LCL is slowly drained and as the top panel opens I am eager to being my ascent from the pilot seat.

I feel the elevator descend to the locker room, inside the small green cage i am keenly aware of my fellow pilot Rei Aynami. I have fought by her side, i go to school with her, and i spend alot of my weekends here with her, Yet i could not tell you anything about her. I attempt to summon the courage to talk to her, the words come out a jumbled mess with only her name making any sense. She slowly cocks her head toward me, I am keenly aware now i cold i feel under the A/C covered in LCL

"Yes Ikari?" She speaks softly caring little for his social inaptitude

"G-good work on your sync test" I smile "you did better than me haha" it was forced

"Mmm" she nods her head

I am all to relived as the elevator doors part and i quickly walk to the Men's locker. As i stand under the shower alone in the locker room I try and focus on the streams of cold water running down my face and body. Sometimes as the oily texture of the LCL streaked down my nude form and the smell of blood diluted in water it felt like a almost religious experience. I squeezed my eyes tight and faced upward toward the shower head desperately trying to think of the water out of fear my mind might slip and wonder. My mind always seemed to go to dark places when left un-busied. As my fingers nimbly slip the buttons through the holes on my school shirt it happens, I sit down on the locker room bench and place my head in my hands as i debate for the hundredth time why i pilot. By the time i reach the conclusion that, as always, I don't really know I step outside into the cool Tokyo 3 air. The Geofront was dark being just a glorified cave the only light was from the HQ and some of the subterranean buildings at night. I looked up at those towers shining bright like glowing stalactites, the crisp blue and white white pouring off them was admittedly beautiful this time of night.

After the metro ride and walk to my house I was relived to slip into the apartment that I called home. Relived that all the lights were off signaling Misato still had yet to come home I walked straight to my room, flicking on the light and throwing my back pack onto the ground. I looked over and saw my computer brimming as always with homework assignments yet to be done. Its not that I don't care about school just it seems unimportant in the face of the fight with the angles and maybe somewhere deep down i don't think well win. I sit on my bed kicking off my shoes and turning out my pockets onto the desk, some change, my Nerve ID, and my phone. I snatch up the phone as i hit the light switch off and fall into bed. Sometimes I wish I had someone who I could confide in, sure Toji and Kensuke are both my friend I just never feel like I can let my guard down with anyone. I close my eyes to ponder my situation, I feel like a roaming spectre cursed to walk this land; I am here, I am alive, but i am not the real Shinji Ikari he is still the boy at the train station crying for his father, he is still in the Eva. Sometimes I swear I wont be able to go on, that at any moment I will without forewarning fall down and die. I feel sleep pull at my body, my limbs grow heavy, my eyes become like lead weights. I am once more at the mercy of the dreams, the enigma of my nightmares.

* * *

I sit looking completely focused as Dr. Akagi goes on about some test Rei and I must complete. In truth I am sneaking peaks at the officer assigned to me during the duration of this test, one Maya Ibuki. Rei was to work with Hyuga and the other...Aoba I think it was, was to train another technician. For some reason or another I feared this small first lieutenant being all alone in a room and being the only one staring intently at a video feed of me for an hour. As I walked down the hall with Miss Ibuki I felt odd, I awkwardly fidgeted with my plug suits wrist controls in an attempt to busy my mind. I glanced at her as she reviewed reports on her tablet built into her clipboard, We stopped at the T-junction of the hallway.

"See you in a bit" she said at me and throwing at small smile

"Yeah haha" I nervously scratched the back of my neck as i walked toward the cage

I must when I saw her smile at me...I was thoroughly disarmed. Her voice was gentle, her smile genuine, I cast aside the ache in my heart for companionship, I chalked up her actions as simple etiquette and that I was over thinking it. As I slinked into the plug and gave the bridge operator a thumbs up to close the hatch I felt the a jolt from the top of my spinal cord explode all across my vast array of nerves as the colors danced past before finally becoming clear. I heard her voice flow through the speakers in the seat and amplify in the LCL.

"Now remember were gonna run a complete check of your neural connections and linking systems. So if you feel odd at all just let me know, Ok?" Her voice, while firm, is gentle

"Got it" I sound sarcastic by comparison

"Since the computer does it by itself automatically i could send you a link to its completion percentage" She seems to be trying to make the wait better for me

"Thanks" The orange panel swishes out displaying '0.02%' I sigh

Every now again I feel my nerves suddenly burst with current of power, I do not enjoy the sensation. Time passes slowly, every now again on a mental cue a panel pops up revealing the time. I take slow breaths in and out and try to focus on how the Eva reminds me of my mother when the over whelming smell of blood fills the plug. Instinctively I look down expecting to see red seeping through the white plug suit.

"Is it working again?" I jump as the sound of her voice suddenly floods the cockpit. In confusion I look up and see a panel exclaiming 'Filtration System: RESTORED' before changing to 'Filtration System: ENGAGED' the engaged part turning green and the whole thing disappearing.

"Yeah, its back" I mutter out a little embarrassed of my day dreaming

"Hey Sinji?" I'm expecting some instruction

"Yes?" responding to my mental commands the Eva preemptively opens a number of graphs and carts filled with numerical data.

"Whats your favorite color?" I felt like the first day of school when you walk into the wrong class.

"Uh" In my mind I quickly run through the prism of colors out of fear of a dumb answer. "blue...i think"

she giggles "I like blue" her voice is soft, less militaristic, friendly.

"Whats yours?" I do my best to try and carry on this conversation.

"Mmmm pink maybe purple" she thinks out loud.

"what kind of music do you listen to?" she ask after a minute of silence. On my order the Eva opens a feed to the empty command room save for the small smiling technician sipping her coffee.

"Is...this some sort of test" I am skeptical that anyone would actually want to get to know me, especially those at Nerve.

The smile fades from her face "No...I didn't mean to pry" Her eyes fall, I feel regretful.

The feed shuts off so that I may hide from my guilt. The desire to speak to her is strong but my social awkwardness is even stronger, I fall back into the seat and as I sigh deeply I watch the bubbles float out and get trapped on the ceiling before being swept up by the vents. I've been in here for 42 minutes an as i glance at the progress I see were only at '82.9%' I try and be patient. That's when I feel it, the throb in my heart I'm certain it was almost explosion, for a moment ever muscle constricts and loosens yet the throb counties. I am now struggling to sit up as a million yellow-orange panels dance across the plug responding to my mental distress in some poor attempt to relieve this pain. I tried severing the connections from inside, disengaging the plug, anything, I later learned that as I was so scared and i kept thinking 'help' all i had accomplished was turning on and off the H.E.L.P or Hazardous Environment LCL pressurization. The pain suddenly stopped and I heard Mayas voice shouting full of dread, I felt the plug move and the LCL quickly empty with an audible hissing, as the hatch opened I was greeted by the medical team who hoisted me out of the seat.

* * *

I slowly walked down the hallway my steps sounding much louder as they echoed off the metal walls of Nerve. I tug gently on the the medical bracelet I got when I arrived at the hospital, I ran my fingers across the smooth laminated tag. I looked at the papers in my other hand as I walked, briefly fingering through my patient carts for the fourth time. I had handed Dr. Akagi one copy, as instructed, in case she needed them to tell how the test affected me. But now I was on my way to a much more worrisome endeavor, to give a copy to Maya for her report. I felt embarrassed about the incident that somehow it was all my fault, I was sure Dr. Akagi chastised her for the failure. I slipped into the large Bridge operations room, a pale green colored room full of desks and a big touch screen board at the front, I saw Maya sitting in the back engrossed in her small black laptop. To my dismay there was only one other person in the room and he was on the other side of the room thumbing through a book shelf labeled 'Schematics'. I approached her slowly and cautiously trying to build to up my strength to speak. She looked up, her brown eyes piercing me, she smiles warmly at me. I am breathless.

"Hi Shinji! I'm glad to see your Ok" She rises up from her seat and steps toward me. I briefly contemplate running.

"Thank you Miss Ibuki, I uh I was told to give you this" I hand her the papers and during the exchange our fingers briefly brush, she seems visibly bothered by the touch. I feel awful, I am quick to turn around and leave.

"Hey Sinji" She places her hand on my shoulder, its warmth searing through my shirt "Im going to the cafe, do you wanna come?"

I nod, she laughs and leads the way out of the room. I walk by her side as we enter the multi-tiered cafeteria on one side of the room the wall was entirely of glass, I enjoyed the warm sunshine in my otherwise dark life. Maya got her food as I had no appetite I followed her as she picked out a table. We sat quietly together for a few minutes even as I worried how she felt at the moment I couldnt help but enjoy her company as i watch the light fall across her face. She would often flash a smile at me and I would blush and advert my gaze afraid at any moment shed leave angry that I was staring at her.

"So how is school?"

"Its Ok, I dont really have alot of time to devote to it"

"Mmm I know how that is" She gives me a understanding smile "I barely have any free time nowadays"

"So whats it like piloting the Eva?" Her voice breaks another moment of silence

I hate answering this question "Its nothing special" the sunlight bouncing off the white titles seem bleaker now

"You dont like it do you?"

"Its expected that I do a good job, so when I do a good job it doesn't matter"

"I know how hard it is...I think your brave" I've been accused of alot of things but never brave. She puts her hand on mine, Its warmth is indescribable.

"Thanks" I smile uncontrollably and admittedly mourn the loss of comfort as her hand leaves mine. As she goes to return her tray I stand awaiting to leave. She walks back to me and smiles as she wraps her arms around, I am slightly embarrassed as i only go up to her chest and must turn my head so that I am not face first in her bosom. As she thanks me for accompanying her I am all to content in her arms, I feel safe, loved, happy, she makes me feel... relevant. As she pulls away I already miss her warmth, as I walk toward the exit gate I glance over my shoulder back at her as her figure retreats into the labyrinth of hallways.

* * *

I walked off the train platform down the street, my SDAT blaring in my ears yet still the feeling of Maya persisted in my mind. I wished all residue of her was gone from mind at this moment. She was kind to me and sweet but when I felt like this I knew it lead me to be unhappy. Her vanilla perfume lingered on my shirt making the attempt to cast all thoughts of the twenty four year old from my mind even more unrealistic. I walked my apartment and walked the stairs up, as I reached for the door I was suddenly surprised to see Misato opening the door dressed for work. She smiled at me but frowned as she inevitability saw through my forced smile.

"Shinji are you Ok?" Her eyes full of care and worry, sometimes I struggle to wonder if she truly cares about me or is just there to keep me piloting

i advert her gaze "I'm fine, just tired...did you get my call earlier?"

"Yeah, I was on my way back to the hospital to pick you up when you said not to...are you sure your ok? I can take you back to the hospital" She bent over slightly to get on eye level with me.

"No I just..." I feel tears well up "...No, thanks for visiting me earlier at the hospital" A sudden rush of self loathing rushes over me as I brush past her. He grabs my arm as I walk by, I turn to meet her eyes.

"Shinji...I know its hard, this life is not a easy one" She strokes my arm trying to comfort me "Im here for you if you need it" I feel cold and discontented, it is my only self defense from crying into her arms

"Thank you" I mumble, even though monotone I mean it, She understands and smiles at me

I watch her walk to the stairwell as I press to close the door. I walk to the fridge to find something to eat, though starving the moment I lay eyes on food I feel sick. I stand in the kitchen and remove my phone from my pocket I stare at it before I open the web browser and set to work seemingly desperate to reach my goal. After only a moment I stare intently at the screen as the number lookup for Toyko-3 loaded the phone number of a Maya Ibuki. My finger hovered the button that said 'Call' I was nervous and embarrassed about how much I wanted to her voice. I closed The phone with a clink a stuffed it back into its cotton polyester prison as retreated to my room.

* * *

*My hands are aching as I sit in the hospital ward as the nurse works feverishly to apply creams and liquids to the seared flesh of my hands. I do not regret opening the hatch, in truth seeing my fellow pilot smile at me in such a way that I've seen her only express with my father made it all worth it. The nurse wrapped the gauze around my hand as another nurse came to inform that Rei would indeed be fine, I do admit I felt relived. I was told given some papers and told my hands would heal with almost no scars. I quickly washed off in the hospital room shower glad to get off the plug suit and the smell of LCL. Misato met me outside and motioned me to get in her car, as always she told me how proud and thankful she was in a attempt to boost my morale. But I was far to disillusioned about piloting to want to think over the battle agian, I can still feel the heat from the explosion and the compression of the trigger when I fired back.

If I had died after the angel was down I wouldn't care, that thought of death calmed and pleased me but in thinking of my own mortal finality a suddenly glimpse of Maya's smile flashed trough my brain. Seeing her reminded me how much I once more yearned for contact with her, I glanced sideways at Misato as she focused on the road. I wondered if it was wrong to miss someone and adult like her so much, I chalked it up to post fight jitters as I usually thought deeply after a battle. I focused on the street lights racing by my window which wasn't playing nice with my slight concision from the blast. I was all to glad to exit the car and quickly ascend the stairs as my head rolled like a ship about to capsize, once I reached the door I slipped from conciseness and landed hard on the floor

* * *

A/N: If you enjoyed drop a review so I know to keep on going, thanks a bunch! I have plans to continue on!

note *Followed the events after Operation Yashima of episode 6 and 1.0 You are (not) alone


	2. Hang in there

As always enjoy the story guys an gals! ~ DeadGod

Note: While I am a huge fan of the original series I've decided to pin this story down during rebuild, right between 1.11 and 2.22 (Unless of course you believe rebuild is just a squeal)

While this is a Maya x Shinji this story is just as much about Shinji's inner turmoil and in this chapter we see that take a front seat.

* * *

Its cold, as cold as it gets here in Toyko-3, only in the upper sixties. This city cursed by the infinite summer cursed by the blood red sea. Millions of people living in the dead earth of second impact. I am one of few tasked with the protection of those millions, protection from the monsters known as the Angels. What do they want? Why must we fight? Does God hate? Is there a God? No. All we create is death. I am told its irrelevant, that all there is is the fight. If I think about it to much I feel wound up inside, to be so hated by something that's never even met us. I know the feeling of being hated, I am all to well versed in the desire to be disposed of. I close my eyes. I am nothing to anyone, all I am is a Eva pilot. The thing I hate most is the very thing that defines me.

I let my body relax from its tense state. I feel the cool concrete on my back as I lay on the roof of one of the countless condemned buildings. As the rain falls down I feel the water weigh down my shirt and I aware that I am thoroughly soaked. I briefly fear for my SDAT but I recall that wear and tear its gone through, we've been through worse together. I sit up and watch the water elegantly fall from the tips of my hair, in this moment I am content. Tears streak down my face the salty liquid mixes with the rain water and they drip undefinable from the millions of other drops. I am thinking about her again, I don't see her as a potential lover, a friend, or even a sex object. Simply someone who cares about me a bright spot in my mind, where for a few moments as I think of her I feel warm even...happy. It is a double edged sword however the warmth i feel for her is quickly followed by a sudden influx of ice water into my veins. _ Everybody finds love in the end. _I am quick to hit the skip button on my SDAT in attempt to dislodge the dagger suddenly planted in my gut by the song. I quickly stand on my feet and after shoving the player into my pocket I sprint down the staircase of the building and out the broken front door. I sprint in a completely random direction, the rain is coming down hard and I almost slip a couple of times. I am certain that if I run fast enough I can escape the torment of mind, my lungs are burning as I slide to a halt bending over with my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath. I see the rain has stopped and the sun is parting the clouds, as a few stray drops drip from my hair and sparkle in the light I welcome the suns warmth. I look at my feet and notice my NERV ID card, must have slipped out, I quickly snatch it up and its holographic watermark twinkles in the light momentarily blinding me. I stare deeply at my own picture not in some moment of vanity but some form of validation, that I am in fact am and have always been the boy in the photo, that I am in fact Shinji Ikari.

"Shinji Ikari" I mutter to myself as if saying out loud makes it more real

I confess though I hate this life...this cruel world, I was deeply relived to confirm to myself that I was indeed Shinji Ikari, the third child, the pilot of Unit 01. My fist curls up tight and for once I am glad to be me, to be as I am. I press back on my SDAT. _Everybody finds love in the end._

* * *

I grit my teeth as I observe the amber colored number rapidly dissipate from the panel that read: **Type MM-99 AU Assault Rifle 209mm** **0/30**. I hear the clang as the magazine hits the city street at my feet and the click as I shove the new magazine in the rifle. I watch the triangle encompassed by a circle with the tag: **Target: Third Angel**, I hear the crack of Unit 00's sniper rifle and I watch the yellow tracer bounce off the multi colored hexagon of its AT field It turns to her as I race around its side and fire of a volley with the rifle, as usually the rounds bounce off the AT field like pebbles off a brick wall. The Rifle crashes to the ground as I race past it sprinting to the business district where all the tall buildings are. My pulse is racing as I duck in and out of the tall buildings, I press my back against a hotel as I pull the spare rifle out of the cage in front of me. I hear the Angel destroying the buildings next to me in a attempt to root me out, I try to catch my breath as I wait.

"Ikari" Rei's labored voice releases me from my cover

I slam onto my side in a four way intersection extended my AT field and hold down on the trigger on my hand guard, It turns to me as I feel my arm wobble and shake from the recoil. The rounds bounce off its field as my AT field, in the limbo from canceling the Angels own, breaks through and the final single bullet strikes its arm harmlessly. I hold still as its clawed arm reaches toward me, suddenly a white and orange arm snakes around its neck and its hand plunging a prog knife into it's core effectively exploding into a bright purple cross. The image in front of me changes to reflect the inside of the hanger, I sigh relived.

"Very good you two, Ok your finished for the day" Dr. Akagi's voice signals the end of the simulation and I am all to glad to step onto the lift with Rei

"Good thing you were there Rei" I awkwardly laugh as I clench my fist to summon some courage "I was almost dead ha ha...you were great" I clench tighter

"We" Her voice makes me flinch

"What?" I feel dumb for asking, she turns to me

"We" She stares at me "We did great"

* * *

As I push the final button through the hole of my shirt I'm still smiling to myself, Rei's words though monotone as always still struck a cord within me. I retrieved my my back pack and my phone from the locker. As I walked down the hall I hung a left and ducked into the break room and set my phone down on one of the tables to free my hands. I walked up to the vending machine and pushed my money through the slot and as the drink dispensed my heart skipped as I heard her voice from behind me, turning she seemed more beautiful than all those times Id peeked at her from my Eva.

"Huh?" A gentle smirk graces her face as my eyes seemed transfixed to hers. I am utterly disarmed by her.

"I said you did I really good job today" She stepped next to me as she used the adjacent vending machine, I remember my own drink and plucked it from the slot.

"Thank you" I smile as I follow her over to a table and I snatch up my phone as I walk by.

"That's a pretty cool phone" Her struggle to produce small talk is all to evident, yet I hang on every word.

"Yeah thanks I don't really use it often though" I watch her closely to gauge her reaction, I fear being awkward around anyone but her most of all.

She holds her drink close to her, meekly as she looks at me skeptically "Your friends don't call or text you?" I think she know the answer.

"No I don't really have much" I laugh as I say it as not to seem sorry for myself.

"Oh..." She stares at me, like shes trying to deiced something "Can I see your phone?" She makes a cute face as a way to hide her own fears of rejection.

I am surprised "Oh, yea" I hand her the small rectangle and as our fingers brush I feel a tingling sensation in my finger tips, I rub my thumb across the tips in a weird fascination.

"Here" The phone is handed back to me "You can call or text whenever if you want" She nervously plays with the ends of her hair.

"T-thanks" A smile stretches across my face without my consent but it seems infectious as she smiles back at me

"How have you been lately?" Her voice echos into the metal can she holds close to her lips

"I've been great" I've been awful "What about you?" Your more important.

"Mmm" She shakes her head as she swallows "I've been good, these hours are awful though" She giggles

"I haven't seen you around lately" I've missed you "I enjoyed we hung out over your break last time" I fear that I have gone to far, I try to look casual as I closely gauge her raction

She smile wide, it must hurt to smile so much. "Me too we should do it again soon" I hope she means it.

"Well I gotta get back" She stands and throws her can in the bin before turning to me "are you heading home?"

"Yeah" I speak up. "Have a good night" she walks out "Yer..you too!" I raise my voice as I step after her, she turns and smiles from down the hallway

* * *

I glanced up at the teacher as he sat his desk writing something in the class log, the day was winding down and several students stood in the back chatting about music and movies. I looked to Rei as she sat staring out of the window completely engrossed yet paying no attention. I turned back to my red laptop and got back to typing my report on the first Shino-Japanese war, I would often switch tabs to a search engine and look up facts. And every now and again id go over to the classroom chat room and look at the working of my classmates mines, mostly things about crushes in hopes the person would see them speaking affectionately of them. I had however tab out when saw my name, rumors spread like a disease. I heard his dad abandoned him, Why is Shinji always listening to that music player? Do you think he goes out of his way to wreck all our homes? Hes supposed to be some kind of hero, he only makes things worse. I heard the only reason they attack is because of that Evangelion thing. I hope he doesn't expect special treatment. I draw a deep breath as I push the thought out of my head.

We are all dismissed and another classmate and I are tasked with cleaning up for the day, she says she has to use the bathroom and through the window I soon see her run and catch up with her friends. No surprise I guess I cant think of anyone who'd want to be alone with me for twenty minutes after school. As the sun sets orange floods the room, as I wipe down a desk I suddenly stop and my hand trembles; I feel a door within me strain. It bursts open. My tears crash into the little pools of tap water on the desk left behind by the washcloth, if people saw me know would they think me a coward? Acting like a child? I do my best to hold back my feelings yet I can imagine Misato telling me to grow up, I can hear my father telling me hes disappointed, I feel like I'm being judged.

"After everything that's happened to me cant I feel sad?" i cry out to the empty classroom

No. My mind answers

"My Father threw me aside!" I'm shouting now

So did thousands of parents, you're not special

"My Mother died when I was a child!"

Some kids grow up with no parents

"I hate piloting Eva!"

Then leave

"I cant! Everyone is counting on me!"

That's no excuse

"I have no one!"

You do that to yourself

"Cant I just be sad!?" I'm on my knees

No, grow up

"Shut up!" My hands atop me head

Are you running away again?

"Why cant I?! Haven't I earned that!"

You think because you pilot Eva you're special? Its you duty

"Its too much!"

Its all your good for

"No! I'm more than Eva"

Wrong, all your friends, your family, all you have is Eva

"I CANT DO THIS!"

I jump to my feet knocking the bucket of water over as i run out the door, the lockers blur by as I race out the front door. I sprint down the street running its length out of the city limits, my lungs are burning my legs are tired. My feet slip out from under my and I fall hard into the pavement below, I push myself off the ground wiping my eyes. I spit out the blood that's run from the gash on my forehead down toward my mouth, I sit on the grass next to the road. I'm so far out of town that I cant see any lights as night approaches, I put my elbows on my keens and let the blood drip down my face. I close my eyes as the crimson liquid runs down my lips onto my shirt certainly ruining the garment. I unbutton the blood stained shirt and use it to wipe away the rest of the blood on my face and I hold to my head till the blood stops, I stand up and brush off my knees before tugging on my dark blue under shirt.

As I get back into the city I toss the bloodied garment into a sidewalk trashcan. The neon signs of the bars and clubs explode into the dark night with vivid greens, blues, and oranges. I push past the dozens of the young twenty year olds trying to party and hold onto some thread of normality, most of them are from the outer towns coming here to pretend this is Toyko-2. I can see for them this city is a hot spot for others its a job, a home, a place visit, for me...its just a battleground. As drinks are passed to and fro freely many are quick to point out my age accusing me as a wanna be child, I burst out of the alley crowded by cigarettes and empty plastic cups, I regret walking this way on a Friday night. I walk toward the hospital a landmark I am all to familiar with and once I reach its door I know exactly the way home, I walk down the sidewalk every now again encased by a halo of white florescent light from the street lights along the road. As I try to keep mind off any subjects I deemed to sensitive Id occasionally press the back of palm to my forward and inspect it for any blood. When I was about a block away from the apartment I felt my pocket vibrate and the dim light of the phone seep through my pants. I pulled out the plastic rectangle standing under one of the street lights, the caller ID read: **Misato** **K**. I stared at the phone for a few seconds deciding if I actually wanted to hear her or not, I jammed the phone back in my pocket content knowing if it was something actually important shed just come get me. When I got to the apartment I pressed the button and the door swooshed open, I stepped in and stood in the entry way for a moment.

"Shinji?" Misatos voice extended down the hallway. I turn to see her peeking over the wall "Are you Ok?" She sounds concerned

"I'm fine...just tired" I force a smile. She shakes her head knowingly

I brush past her and I feel her eyes follow me as I retreat to my room, I slide the door open then close as I crash to the floor. I lay on my back and observe the shafts of moonlight bleed unobstructed between the blinds and fill my room, I slowly extended my arm till my hand is bathed in the light. I stuff it in my pockets taking inventory, a ritual I've become used to, I sigh deeply as I remember I left my bag at school, that and split bucket are reasons Ill have to go tomorrow while its closed for the weekend. Removing my SDAT, my ID, and my phone, I toss the others aside but the latter I power on, its sudden white LED floods the room and temporarily blinds me. As my eyes adjust to the light source I scroll through the contacts and click on my target, I sit up and stare intently at the name: **Maya Ibuki**. I stare at it for fifteen minutes before, hands trembling, I press call. Each moment it rings is dreadful as I feel the butterflies from my stomach make their descent to my chest.

"Hello?" The voice while inquisitive is soft. I already feel better. "Hello?" The sudden desire to hang up fills me as my face warms.

"Hello? Miss Ibuki? Its...Shinji...Ikari" I was certain she'd still not remember me

"Shinji? Hey I'm actually at work can I call you back" She seemed careful how she spoke. I knew this was a awful idea

"I'm really sorry, I wont call again" I try and keep my voice even as the tears well up

"No! It-" I quickly hit end and slid the phone across the room. I breath deep as the urge to cry passes, I lean back onto my bed.

"Its only when I want companionship does it hurt to not have it" I say into the emptiness of the room

I push off the floor and retrieve a shirt and shorts from my dresser, I open the door and walk down the hall to the bathroom. I notice that all the lights are off and as I reach the bathroom door I wait and listen for the sounds of Misatos snores, the low unladylike grumble echos in my ears and I smirk. I flip the light as I turn on the water and hear its rushing whoosh fill the enclosed space, as I strip I stare at me reflection and for a moment gently put my hand on the mirror Sometimes though the reflection staring back at me is that of myself, even though I am myself and there Is some truth of Shinji Ikari within myself there is no real Shinji Ikari... I break the spell and the fog of my deeper thoughts lifts, I remove my hand from the cool glass leaving behind a print and slip into the water. The water at first is warm then hot and now burning, I enjoy the waves of hot water and the mild pain associated with it. I shut off the water feeling fresh and clean, I step out the shower and dry off. Pulling on my shorts and ruffling my damp hair I slip on my T-shirt, and walk to my room taking note the hallway clock read one o'clock am. As I slip into my room I am greeted by a buzzing sound and upon further inspection notice the shaft of white light bursting toward the ceiling from the corner, I pick up the squirming device as the buzzing suddenly dies. I notice the message plastered on the front screen: two missed calls, once more the phone rattles in my hand. The small phone icon next to the name **Maya Ibuki **is suddenly assaulting my eyes with another burst of light. Filled with equal part desire and fear I flip open the phone, I press the phone to my ear and say nothing for a moment. I stand in the middle of the room with the phone to my ear staring into the darkness.

"Shinji?" Her voice is filled with concern

"Yeah?" My voice is soft

"Are you alright?" She only called because she felt obligated

"Yeah... I'm sorry for calling earlier" MY regret is in full drive

"No don't be its Ok! Its just I was busy with work..." I gauge her tone

"I understand" I answer methodically

"Your sure your Ok?" The fact she truly cares makes it worse

"Yeah I'm fine, I...I don't want to keep you"

"I'm not busy" I quietly sigh, relived

"Its just...you must be tired after work" I can hear the tiredness in her voice "I don't want to waste your time"

"Not a moment talking to you is a waste" I swear I can hear her smile "having trouble sleeping?" I never slept well since I came here

"No i just.." I curl my fist "felt alone..." Will she thinks that pathetic?

"Well... I'm here Shinji" the tears streak down my face

"Thank you" She can hear the sorrow in my voice

"Shinji-" I can hear the intercom on the train list off the names of stations

"Its ok...go" I don't want to cling to her

"Are you sure?..." Yet I am

"Yeah" I wipe my tears

"Im free all day tomorrow, promise to call me then?" of course

"Yes...I promise" I am thankful

"Ok...Hang in there Shinji" The line goes dead. I stumble in the darkness over to my bed, falling into it and rolling over.

"Hang in there..." I mutter into oblivion, I am glad when oblivion doesn't mutter back.

* * *

A/N: Well we peered into the head of our beloved tragic hero, Its not surprising hes so messed up. I try my hardest to make the character feel as true to those in the show and movies, though I have a tendency to put dark spins on my character I promise that this wont become a cliche emo fanfic. As always drop me a review pwease as that shit really keeps me going! thanks~ DeadGod

PS. Anyone guess the song on Shinji's SDAT was the theme song for Eva 3.0? _Everybody finds love in the end..._


	3. The world is exactly as you see it

Sorry if my grammar, punctuation, and overall syntax is awful; I'm studying to be a Police officer not an English teacher.

Sorry this took a bit to get out, It was important to make Maya seem as in character as possible and not jump to the usual "ive secretly loved him all along" crap

Enjoy ~DeadGod

* * *

I lazily shift the weight of my back pack onto my other arm, I sigh remembering the feat of ingenuity it took to get into the locked school. At the time my mental breakdown seemed biblical like the whole world was crashing down around me. Upon reflection I now feel embarrassed about my outburst which now seems selfish, if time did stop for anyone it certainly be me. My limbs are feel heavy and tired as I stretch and casually glance at my watch, six thirty. Even after my night talk with Maya I didn't sleep till two, sleep is the only place I don't worry and feel bad; seems fitting sleep would evade me. I breath in deep feeling the cool air fill my lungs I enjoy the dew that still lingers in the air, that is till the sun rises and burns away the reaming moisture. I am told it used to snow here in Japan, I cant imagine ice-cold air and the soft white snowflakes falling from the sky.

I press open the door button to the apartment or home as Misato makes me call it, this place never felt like a home. I know Misato tries to make it homely, to be there for me. My random thoughts led me dangerously close to walking into the wall of the hallway to my room, I should busy myself to clear my mind. I throw my backpack in the corner of the room and set off to the kitchen. I pull out a pan and several ingredients from the fridge and cupboard, I set to work combining the items into the pan. I find cooking to be an acceptable waste of time, It keeps my mind busy and everyone praises me for how good it is. Would Maya like it if I cooked for her? What is her favorite food I wonder... A sudden hiss and a burning sensation brings me back to the task in front of me. I release the pan effectively ending the burning sensation on my hand and portion the food out for two. I wrap up Misatio's for later and sit at the table with my own, I chew slow as if that serves some purpose. I'm admittedly worried where these new-found thoughts for Maya will lead, experience has taught me nowhere good. My mind is my only true friend that may speak freely to but ever since I've gotten here it seems more like burden I try to drown. The icy cold water from the water reminds me that I'm washing the dishes an I return fully focused to that.

* * *

"Shinji Ikari" His name is easy to say, is that odd to think?

"Why do you feel so helpless," I run my stare at his service record picture on my laptop, "your stronger than you think"

I rest my chin the stuffed teddy bear on my lap, I can still recall how awful he sounded. He so reserved and pretends to act like nothings wrong, but under his shell he's so fragile. He still calls me Miss Ibuki which feels weird coming from a fourteen teen year old boy, and yet when I speak to him I'm so polarized to him. I throw the teddy bear aside and remove the laptop as it warmed my bare legs, being able to sit around in a loose tank top and denim shorts is much more comfortable than my uniform. I pace across my small mocha colored apartment and reach for the curtains the sunlight pours in and I smile at its radiance graces my skin. Should I feel odd for giving so much thought to a boy? It's not weird if he's my friend but...are we friends? I barely know him and I really feel for him, about his father, about losing his mother, about piloting. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be bestowed a guardian of man kind but its hard imagine him being so tormented. I've seen him commit great acts of bravery and nearly die fighting for us.

I grab a can of soda from the fridge and sit legs cross on the floor pulling my teddy and computer over to their respective positions. I grab my remote and flip to some children's cartoons which I argued I still have every right to watch at my age. I waggle my finger across the touch pad and am once more greeted with Shinji's record, my eyes pick up: Depression, Potentially suicidal, Psychological test failure. "Enough" I mutter as I switch tabs and continue with daily game of randomly searching words on the internet. Still... The sad eyes of the third child lingers in my mind and I sigh as I lay back. When called me last night and hung up I felt so scared that he'd really never call me again, when I heard the hurt in his voice I felt hurt. After he called I could barely finish my station reports, I could remember staring into his eyes and seeing the pain hidden there. I spring to my feet and walk to my room, I hesitantly approach my desk and stare at my phone. I know he's free today but will he answer me? I already made I'm promise to call me but will he? I snatch up the phone strong in my reserve.

"He just needs to know somebody cares, It will be okay" The phone rings as I walk back to the living room to enjoy the sunlight and escape my bedroom chill.

"Yeah?" I smile while looking out the window, I feel warmer

"Hello to you too Shinji"

"Oh sorry miss Ibuki"

"Ya know you can call me Maya," A soft laugh escapes me, why do I laugh so much when I talk to him, "How are you? you sound tired."

"I am I didn't sleep well" I can practically hear him rub his eyes

"I didn't either" I force a yawn to show my authenticity.

"How..how can you sound cheerful then?" Why is he so dreary?

"Because, I don't know," I close my eyes feeling the sun, "It's a beautiful day"

"Eh..." I hear the crack and click as he moves it in his hands, I am certain hes checking out a window.

"Miss Ibu- or um miss Maya?" I smile as he struggles to think of what to call me.

"Yes MR. Shinji?"I say the Mr part slow to emphasize the ridiculousness.

"I'm not a Mr...Oh, well did you not think I would call you like I promised?" His voice slightly drops in tone.

"No Shinji, Why did you call me last night?

"Because...I wanted to hear your voice" Im sure im blushing now.

"Well...I want to hear your voice" I can feel my face heat up for sure this time.

"I...miss..." I hear the hesitation in his voice

"What Shinji? What do you miss?"

"Nothing..."

"You can tell me, were friends"

"W-we are?" He sounds skeptical and...hopeful

"Of course"

"I am...glad to be your friend"

"Im glad to be yours," I laugh a little and begin to twirl my hair nervously. "Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"If your not busy do you...wanna maybe go to the mall later? I think its one of the few buildings not closed in the Higashi district" I feel my face getting even hotter, Is it weird to go with him?

"R-really? sure id...like that"

"Ha ha um okay, Ill meet you there at ten..."

"Yeah okay I-ill see you then"

"Mmm bye"

I end the call with a touch of a button and feel my heartbeat pound in my chest, was it Ok to ask him to go out with me? I don't know many normal fourteen year old boys with twenty-four year old friends they go to the mall with, but Shinjis not normal is he? I just know that I care about him more than im comfortable with, its more than compassion there's an ounce of...selfishness, like I want to just grab him and not let go. I throw the phone to the side and sit back down to my computer opening a page for the dating website I only half jokingly signed up for. I only really go on to check my messages, its something of an ego boost to see all the guys who send me cheesy or perverted messages. Not that id actually date any of them and it seems that working at Nerv id never date anyone, sure a few guys around Nerv have asked me out and I've even gone out with some of them. But ive never met anyone I connected with anyone..I had mix feelings about Ritsukio but I don't know how to act on them I know I like her but I don't know if I **like** like her... "ugh" I pull the teddy bear back into my lap.

"You don't have to worry about these things do you Mr. fuzzy bottoms?" I bury my face into the bears chest.

I peek from behind the bear at the clock on my computer, eight forty five. Im surprised by my own anticipation to see him, Im just going to reminded him someone cares, to be there for him...right? When im talking to him my mind seems blank, when he talks I focus on every word I often find my mind drifting to the third child wondering how he feels, what hes doing.

"No, Im making out to be something its not," I mumble into the bear "I just think some people will thing its weird being seen with a child"

"I don't care what people think, I wanna be there" I snuggle my bear again

* * *

I feel the train jostle to and fro beneath me and I mumble small apologizes to the other passengers as I bump into them. I look at myself at the mirrors situated on either side of the entryway doors, and examine my outfit. A orange tank top under a unbuttoned short sleeve bright yellow buttoned up shirt, tan capris and white sneakers, I nodded feeling sufficiently stylish. I couldn't help but wonder what Shinji will wear? Does he even own anything other than his school uniforms?

My thoughts were interrupted as the train slowed to a stop, I pushed through the crowd to get onto the train platform. I smiled slightly enjoying the warm sun as I stepped out onto the street side, I made my way through the maze of streets and crowd of people. It seemed everyone was trying to get out and enjoy the weekend with friends before the next angel which would undoubtedly leave them locked in shelters and penitential destroy there favorite hang outs. At the end of the street near the malls entrance past the hundreds of people i spotted a familiar figure sitting on a bench. He had his arm on the arm rest, head in his hand, earphones in looking longingly out into the crowds on the next street. Making my through I walked up to him and gestured a small wave as he quickly removed his headphones.

"H-hello miss Maya" I sat down next to him.

"It's just Maya Shinji" I smile at him.

"Right...Maya, sorry" I stand and turn toward the doors.

"Come on" He falls in behind me.

I slip into a clothing store and rifle through a rack of colorful shirts, I pull a shirt the rack and hold it up to me as I face him.

"What do you think?" I can see he feels embarrassed.

"I...I don't really know" His eyes fall to the floor.

"Well," I step closer "Do you think I'd look pretty in it?" His face reddens.

"I guess...You'd look pretty in anything," His face reddens more "Not! not that I think about stuff like that" He rubs the back of his head embarrassed.

"T-thank you" I stutter out, now my face reddens.

* * *

I pull along the third child by his hand much to his dislike into the perfume shop he asked to wait outside of, I walked around looking into the glass displays an the neat panoramas of oceans and attractive men in a brash attempt to get me to buy the expensive perfumes. I noticed all to well however that even after I pulled Shinji into the shop and we stood still I had my hand wrapped around his. After a few moments of standing still as i looked through the fragrance I felt his hand tighten around my own in a gesture I found most agreeable, seeing as how he did not protest I had no real intention of releasing the source of warmth. We walked around like that for a while, holding hands loosely as I would occasionally ask him to smell this and that. As we made to the exit I casually dropped his hand to pay for the product and noticed the mixed look of anger and disappointment.

I watched Shinji rest his hand in his hands as he looked off to the side while I sipped at my soda he bought, I dig in one of the several bags next to our little food court table a produce a small thin brown knotted leather bracelet on the glassy surface of the table. He looked at it confused as I smiled.

"I got it for you"

"For...me?" He slowly picked it up staring at it then looking to me, "Thank you Maya" He smiled at me, It may have been the first time I saw him sincerely smile.

"I want you to remember me," I place my hand on his, "For when you feel sad..." He thanks me again as he nimbly slips it onto his wrist where it hangs loosely.

"Shinji...You know...youre stronger than you make yourself out to be..." I promised myself I wouldn't talk like this to him.

"I've seen you be brave, I've seen you fight, I know that within you...when you have to be... you're a hero" He looks sideways not wanting to listen

"Im...Im sorry Shinji," I retract my hand "I dont mean to sound like Misato"

"Thank you" He mumbles and looks up

* * *

Sometimes I forget that its a simulation, that my body really isn't being hurt, that this is fake. I watch as Rei a Unit 00 dance around the simulated Toyko-3 gracefully dodging the long whips of the fourth Angel, Its different though more tame when I actually fought it it seemed...savage. My kneeling position a few miles away on the mountain looking down on Toyko-3 is blown as the loud report of the rifle rings out. I watch the round streak down toward the city smashing into the building just behind the beast.

"Remember to aim out ahead of the target" Dr Akagi reminded me

The Angel barely seemed to notice as it grabbed Unit 00 with its long glowing arm. I pulled the bolt on the rifle up and back sending the hot metal casing flying onto the trees next to me with a thud, I pushed it forward and relined the scope a few meters in front of its head before squeezing the trigger. The round made a sharp snapping sound punched through the lower pink mass of the Angel, I watched as red fluid burst out its side painting the building next to it crimson. It turned to me as it was pushed back from the kinetic force of the bullet, It had no time to focus on me however as shortly after Rei fired several shots which, due to her fallback, had redeployed its AT field. This was my signal as I rushed from atop the mountain down to the outskirts of the city slamming my back against a building and my foot against one of the tidal wave walls that surround the city entrance to the bay, I lined up my next shot, waiting.

"You two are getting too good at these teamwork drills," I heard typing over the comm, "There...to mix things up" I saw a huge puff of smoke in front of me.

"City block sixteen explosive bolts detonated, The Angel Is falling toward Headquarters" Maya casually reported to me

"Ikari... hmph..I am falling" Rei's troubled voice reports the unforeseen events.

I explode from behind the wall rushing to the now perfectly square gaping hole in the geofront, I grit my teeth and tighten my grip as I descended into the hole. I focus on lining up a shot and not that I am free-falling five miles above the ground at around eighty miles an hour. I squeeze again sending my stray shot into the train station instead of the angel, Unit 00 crashes into the pyramid that is HQ caving it in as the Angel splashes into the lake next to it. I crash into the field across from HQ a sprint toward the creature knife drawn, just as I ran past Reis back on her feet following the same plan.

"Work together" I mumble angrily

One of its tentacles slams into me as I jam the knife into its neck and with my free hand I rip at the bony arms on its chest. Its other tentacle tearing into Rei as she roughly slams her free hand against its neck giving me leverage to slip out my knife. A slight roar rumbles in my throat as I press forward on the hand guard, Reis knife and mine jam into the red orb in a spectacular show of sparks followed shortly by the ensuing explosion. I sigh relieved the fight is over.

"Well done, although HQ would have been badly damaged, you both did well" Dr Akagi praised us.

The colors dance around me as the plug fades to a dull yellow glow, the mechanical swirling sound singed around me and that's when I felt it. A painful throb in my head like the worst migraine I ever had, it lasted till I got to the cage elevator and then it got worse. I slammed back against the elevator hunching over grasping my left eye, The pain was incredible now. I barely could her at first, I looked up to see Rei normal placid eyes stricken with confusion.

"Ikari I believe you require medical attention" She sounded come as ever but her eyes betrayed her.

"I-Im...Im okay" I yell at her

*Click* The door open and I rush out to the locker room, the door swished open and I run right for the tiled shower. I quickly spin the nob and clopase to my hands and knees as the icy water pours down on me. My head pounds my vision blurs, I throw up. But its not normal its red, its...blood. My head ponds and my mouth is filled with the metallic taste. The all to familiar voice of myself sounds off.

_Shinji Ikari_

"That is myself" I mumble as my hands ball up still supporting my weight.

_You are yourself?_

"I am Shinji Ikari" I vomit again, and watch as the water spreads out the red and flushes it down the drain.

_Misato_

_Ritsuko_

_Maya_

_Kaji_

_Touji_

_Kensuke_

_Asuka _

_Anyanmi _

_Gendo_

_Yui_

"People I know" I mutter into the water.

_They are __themselves_

_The vessels of their thoughts_

"I need help" No longer wanting to hear my thoughts I meekly yell out, "Help me"

_Fear_

_Pain_

_Anxiety_

_Eva_

"Shut up" The blood runs off my lips.

_Beyond__ this you are alone_

_You are not happy_

_Without these your are emotionless_

"Shut up!" My tears run down with the water, "I can be happy!" my voice is hoarse.

_When?_

"When I listen to music, when I'm with Maya, when my father praises me!" I shout out into the shower.

_Will these things last?_

"I cant breath..."

_Perhaps__ your afraid I'm right?_

"Shut up!"

_Perhaps__ your afraid to admit I am you_

"Shut up!"

_That the person who hates you the most is __yourself_

"I said shut up!" Oxygen escapes me as I slump to the ground

_The world is exactly as you see it... _

* * *

__Bit of a busy chapter, jumped around a bit but I hoped you liked.


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